Ive now chosen to travel for my job to offset he loneliness. Im just going to share my experience if it doesnt fit, let it roll off your back. You have to have the autonomy in your relationship to perform the required duties of your job; its not like youre going to shaking it on top of a table at the Cosmopolitan. And I dont know whether I asked permission, exactly, to plan some activities on my own this weekend to decompress from a week of solo child care, but I did run it by her she was of course supportive, but sometimes with this kind of planning there are scheduling issues we have to work out. Setting up for a convention and working it and then the take down. This giant conference centers attached to hotels are a dime a dozen in Vegas, tons of flights from everywhere around the country go to Vegas and there are always deals on those flights, it just honestly makes sense to plan conferences and business trips to Vegas, especially if theyre for very large events. Projecting your particular set of issues on to everyone else really is not helpful. Im going to start with a description, because people often ignore this anxiety is a horrible physical and mental state to be in. And, this IS an us issue: his insecurities are damaging the relationship. Either way, the fact that husband is freaking out and polling friends sounds like he, at least, needs to speak with a therapist, and both of you together would be even better to tackle this problem (the problem being his anxiety and the way its impacting your relationship, not the fact you need to travel). Bringing your spouse along on a work trip only works some of the time, and it definitely doesnt work if the spouse has already exhibited controlling behavior. I think this is a little parochial, in fact. I would say that its not necessarily couples counseling that is needed, but that your spouse needs to talk with someone. Both individuals will benefit from communication tools to use in challenging this kind of worry-filled thinking. We split it into 3 traveling days both directions so it would be 6 hours and we are estimating 8 hour days, but know it could be longer. But it wont be easy. And Im not talking rooms in crappy parts of town. And if you go to Roppongi or Kabuki-cho and get wasted at a sketchy bar, then yeah, turns out you have greatly increased the odds that someone will steal your wallet. And voila- you're on the coast! My husband nearly had to go to Vegas for a conference a couple of months ago (were in the UK so its pretty far!) Maybe Im wrong. I understand where youre coming from, but even if this is exclusively his issue, joint therapy sessions can help each partner understand the others perspective. Good points. I hope youll get the chance to play some poker while youre there. [He loves playing poker but seldom gets to play, as Im not a fan of the game.]. My own partner has no issue with me going out of state for geek conventions a couple times a year, with people Ive known longer than him, sometimes sharing mixed-gender rooms. And there does seem to be a fair amount of misbehavior discussed, but I have never seen any of it. Wouldnt that bother you?. Ack. Frankly, there are very few cities that can handle massive conferences and Vegas may be the only option for the OPs company. His friends live in DC so I'm considering seeing if we could drive there first and spend the night w them (about five hours from where we live). I go out of state to continuing education conferences, I dont know, once or twice a year. Caveat: I dont think scheduled calls ALONE will solve OPs issue. rarely cede ground. Hes not thinking logically already, so adding logic isnt going to change his mind. There are some really great desert trails out there! His parents are awful. But I do agree that its extremely possible the OPs husband is, consciously or unconsciously, skewing the results in his favor. My SO and I ate there in 2013, and he STILL sighs and says, That was a good burger, whenever Las Vegas is mentioned. Hes been working through them and he was much better during my last work trip. Plan some quiet time or independent activities if you're getting frustrated. I actually agree that the comment section here can jump to that explanation a little too quickly and without anything in the letter to support it, but they arent in hysterics about it. This is NOT putting a judgement on those activities, but all of them can and do carry a pretty significant risk load (money spent, possible diseases, lost time, etc) and thats why in general, society rates them as vices. Because my husband trusts me. My partner has a fantastic story of stumbling on some kind of yakuza pre-dustup in Namba (in a Family Mart of all places). I only left the conference hotel a couple of times, always with a group, and we were in the touristy area right next to the Gaslamp district anyway. Im curious if your husband is perhaps someone who has never really traveled anywhere, and the whole prospect of travel gets his anxiety going? Note: After I wrote this answer, I received more details about the letter-writer about exactly what her husbands objections are. Its just not reasonable to expect a spouse to not travel for business, and I cant imagine a whole group of people who would say such a thing. Its in Las Vegass best interests to keep visitors safe. And there is plenty to do besides gamble. Vegas and Orlando are excellent places for corporate retreats because theyre relatively cheap to fly to and theyre set up for this kind of thing. However, Im not sure if this is the crux of the LWs issue since her husband clearly said that he has a problem with the what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas mentality. And my husband was completely fine with it. Then maybe, if you can swing it, a weekend trip there for the two of you would be a good idea? Im handling it by biting the dog that bit me and hes not happy. I mean seriously? Do please note, even if he does have terrible anxiety or other mental health issues, hes also behaving in a really sexist manner, and being disabled doesnt give you carte-blanche permission to be a jerk. Ithewhat??? The compromise? Contributors control their own work and . You can also rent a ballroom or a conference hall for insanely cheap. That was plenty for me, for the social experience.). Thats where domestic abuse resources and charts come in. Are you ok with dealing with his overexagerations, accusations, and paranoia whenever you go for a trip by yourself or is it starting to get on your nerves. Ahh, I was wondering where he found all these friends. OP, I believe that professional help figuring out what exactly is going on (including ruling in or ruling out a medical cause like primary anxiety or OCD) and getting professional treatment based on that, is the best first step for you here. Yes, you can absolutely get yourself in serious trouble in Vegas but you can also have the most dull weekend imaginable. And people are all I wouldnt let my wife go we have done bigger problems here. The educational health content on What To Expect is reviewed by our medical review board and team of experts to be up-to-date and in line with the latest evidence-based medical information and accepted health guidelines, including the medically reviewed What to Expect books by Heidi Murkoff. I just caught that you were the main provider in your home. It totally IS. What the hell? Actually, prostitution is NOT legal in Las Vegas and gambling is legal in a Million places in the United States. I have one. And in small towns all over America people are being shot in churches, schools, shopping malls etc. If we could afford flying we would have. I noticed that as well. My Husband Didn't Want Me to Go on Vacation With His Family. Food! DH and I took our little girl on a 14-hour car trip when she was 4 weeks old (she's 10 weeks now). Oh man, the broken-glass-on-the-kitchen-floor-for-a-month dude! So this is a relationship question, as Allison and others have said. Because a healthy, loving partner does not do this. Most of them. The reality of the place is really NBD. But it is a common business trip destination for the reasons others have noted and certainly poses no danger to anyone with common sense. I like backpacking/camping and my husband does not (at least, not for extended periods of time). I take for granted everyone doesnt live this way. I see where youre coming from, Detective, but I think the additions of spiked drinks and kidnappings shift it for me a little bit toward anxiety. You cant expect someone with a broken leg to ski down a mountain; you cant expect someone in an irrational state of fear to behave in a reasonable manner *in the moment*. That doesnt mean one party jeopardizes their job and career to make ridiculous accommodations, of course. Anywhere in the USA or abroad. Sometimes, when a spouse accuses you of cheating out of thin air, its because they themselves are cheating, and now they see it everywhere else as a coping mechanism for justifying their own behavior. Each year my entire family goes to the beach at the end gets a beach house where we stay for a week. This is truly bizarre and worrying behavior on the husbands part. I worry about things constantly. And added to that: if the husband doesnt believe its his issue, hes not likely to be willing to do the work of finding a therapist and getting therapy. Its actually better that way now for example, its now possible to eat a meal without hearing about keno. Statistically, the most dangerous part of this trip is the car drive to the airport. Thats the issue here. Last time I was in Vegas (similar situation) I ate at a few off-strip but highly-rated restaurants. Youre not choosing your career over your marriage when you take three days to sit in a conference hall, for chrissake. Youre working 10 to 12 hours a day on the show floor or out at dinners with vendors and clients. You could talk tohim about why hedoesnt want you there and see ifthere are any issues that need toberesolved outside ofavacation setting, oryou could simply ask him ifhed like you togowith him next time. Most of the shows arent appealing, either, and theyre almost all too expensive. Honestly I have been to a few conferences in Vegas and I worked so much all I saw was the inside of a conference room or a hotel bed, into which I fell (alone) exhausted every night. is a really good sign! Itll be a cold day in Hell before my husband allows/gives me permission to do anything. I think the fact that hes willing to go counseling (am I reading that correctly?) Look at it again. Not that I am saying that the Letter Writer should invite her husband. Not all of the counties decided to legalize it, and as a result there is no legal prostitution in Las Vegas or Reno. his friends wouldnt let their wives go. Main Menu I might just be flinching at the use of the word wholesome, though. That actually happened to my parents! Scheduled calls keep him more relaxed. You can find prostitution and gambling in lots of cities, large and small, if youre looking for temptation. There are people whose mind translates any answer all, from Hmm okayhow bout that Topic Changers vs. Distractors game? to NONONONONO! My mom is convinced that as soon as the sun goes down, everyone is a drunk driver. But I loved him, and thought accepting his proposal would reassure him of my love and commitment. Me: What did you say? I wonder if there are other circumstances in which he exhibits similar behavior. Omg that sounds so much like my mom. Youll be so exhausted from your meetings all youll want to do is get dinner and go to sleep! These dudes tend to not understand how little theyre contributing in any significant fashion, and theyre shockedshocked!when the women theyre with realize whats going on and leave them. A reader writes: My company sent managers to Las Vegas last February for a corporate business trip for three days. Our daughter will be three months Old and she always falls asleep in the car. Give me a conference in Vegas any day. They just find more things to get worried about. And no matter what, go on the trip. He can express an opinion at most. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. It sounds like theres a lot you two have to work through but if his primary concern is for your personal safety, as other folks have mentioned, Las Vegas is actually pretty safe for a big city. So give yourself permission to stop trying, OP. I really wish people would take the time to think beyond their first assumption in issues like this. You can have a couple days where youre focused on other things! If the city is a well known destination to indulge in vices ( sex outside of a relationship for pay, drinking, drugs, gambling) than its fair to say that its not the most wholesome location. I only wanted to get someplace, anyplace, without slot machines. I might also take your friends statement a step further, and point out that hes the one making your marriage adversarial. My legs were killing me and I my throat was sore :(! If I were married and my husband told me that he honestly thought so little of me that he assumed I would cheat on him because I was going to Vegas for a business conference, I would be heartbroken. Is this the only thing he gets so on-edge about? I tell him that if he was in my shoes, I would be supportive. Agreed. A decade? This is a case where you cannot cater to his anxiety or insecurity. Yeah, Vegas can be a skeezy place but I havent found it to be any worse than LA, Nashville, Cincinnati, New York, Seattle, Boston, or any of the other cities Ive been to. Its really hard for people to disagree with their buddies in ways harsher than well, I dont know about THAT, but I can see where youre coming from., I can very easily see him going would YOU let your wife go on some so-called business trip with her sleazy coworkers to Vegas?? I mean sure its possible hes found someone that shares his view, but I think its mostly him just hearing what he wants to hear. Why do you feel this way?. But youre his spouse and in a perfect position to help him understand whats going on and try to help fix it! While I was away, he made me upset the whole time with his anxiety of what-ifs and what-nots. Yeah, I read it as they object and they wouldnt let them go.. Long term I also agree with everyone elses recommendations for anxiety screening and counseling. Sure, its too much if youre super conservative, but then the root of the debate is not Las Vegas itself. BUT, I dont actually think thats the most likely explanation for his issues. or is it not? The point being that because he cares about you, he will do whatever he can to make his relationship with you as strong as possible. The best parts of Vegas arent actually in town. And if I only believed he was in danger because I have anxiety I cant control, this wouldnt help at allin fact, it would probably make the anxiety worse. She is not the nicest mother in law, either. I just knew I was so unhappy and was starting to hate myself (but that was me! We stayed at the Excalibur (the kids LOVED staying in a castle, saw the jousting show, the MGM Lions, the aquarium at Mandalay Bay, and we also took them to play games at Circus Circus. I really hope he is able to get help and you are both able to get to a better way of engaging with each other on this. Your post will be hidden and deleted by moderators. This is actually a place where marriage counseling can be extremely useful. The smoke. I think theres sometimes a tendency in certain corners of the internet to equate I have to talk to my partner about X before I can do it or My partner doesnt want me to do Y with OMG controlling relationship!, when there are lots of circumstances where that kind of thing is totally reasonable. But this type of situation cant stay like this, so dont jeopardize the ability to support yourself when things get worse. (I mean, ideally, theyd shut him down, but hopefully, at the very least, they dont actually agree and are just stuck talking to him about this against their will? But not the end of the world. Yeah, I sometimes hear about people who really want a job with a lot of work travel, or people who think being a flight attendant would be really glamorous, and Im just like meh. I understand your point, but I think that it is in the LWs best interest to suggest counseling first since she says her husband is otherwise reasonable and kind. My husband and I both grew up in very traditional conservative homes, and so his support of my career means a lot to me. Today, we can take a million pictures to find the right one, but in the Groovy era you had one chance to get the perfect shot.